And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
