it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
