I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
