Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Randomize
