Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Randomize
