I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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