You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
