Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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