found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
