I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
