The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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