you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
