I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
