Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
these pics are all outta focus - was this what the camera saw? or what your eyes saw?
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
foreskin is a definite game changer
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
