I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
