I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Randomize
