I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize