My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
