You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
