He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
This is classic penis vs brain.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Randomize
