got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Two words: blizzard sex
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Randomize
