I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
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