John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize