Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
