We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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