I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize