I just made out with a guy for $7.
I hope mine doesn't look like that
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Randomize
