Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
there was a trapeze. enough said
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
