alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize