My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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