My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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