Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
