I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Randomize
