i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
