my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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