Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
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