Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
