lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize