She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
