I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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