She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
