I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
