He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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