Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
