can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
My day in three words: secret purse cake
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
