Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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