Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
