pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
