It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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