It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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