Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
