and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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