Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
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