Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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