ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Randomize
