Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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