I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
