yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Randomize
