i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
