I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Randomize
