did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
