I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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