I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
